


Sorry

by olivemartini



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, Murphy - Freeform, Season 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 13:44:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5746027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olivemartini/pseuds/olivemartini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Murphy's sorry, even though he has no reason to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sorry

As crazy as it is, he's _sorry._

He's sorry that he shot Raven, even as she's pointing a gun at his chest and offering to trade him for Finn's life.  He knows he owes her, and as much as his stomach turns and his mind screams at him to run, even as the fear of their knives and their words and their never ending torture paralyzes his body, he knows that he is only inches away from agreeing, from throwing down his own weapon and turning himself over.  He owes her, after all.

He's sorry about stringing Bellamy up in the middle of the dropship, trying to get his fair share of justice.  All Murphy wanted was to get his own piece of the savage "eye for an eye" treatment they have down here.  He was only thinking about making someone pay, about erasing some of the pain and humiliation he felt when someone he looked up to turned on him faster than he could have thought possible.  He didn't think about how scared and sad Bellamy would look, how he kept looking around for rescue.  Sometimes, he closes his eyes and all he can see is Bellamy dangling in the air, and Murphy kicking out at him and telling him that he can't use his hands to loosen the noose closing in around his neck. It didn't matter, then, that Bellamy had done the same thing to him, and that at this moment, Bellamy was a lot more guilty than Murphy ever was. It only mattered what Murphy was doing. 

He's sorry about Finn, who shot those 18 innocent people on his watch.  He's sorry that he couldn't stop him.  He's sorry for the child that had his body ripped apart by bullet wounds and the father that was forced to watch.  He's sorry that he didn't notice what Finn had been thinking before he turned himself over, that he hadn't noticed the self deprecating, murderous thoughts written across his face the same way they had been etched into Murphy's skull for years.  He's sorry that Finn only did it because he was desperately trying to save the girl he loves, and no one seems to care about that, not even Clarke. 

He's sorry for the people they lost.  He's sorry for the adults that came down from the ark expecting to find their children but only seeing battered bodies and bruised souls and a circle of unmarked graves.  He's sorry for the Chancellor, who he put a lot of faith into but turned out to be even crazier than Murphy.  But most of all, he's sorry for that little girl whose name he didn't even know that threw herself over the cliff before her life could even start, even though she technically started this whole mess in the first place. 

If he's being honest with himself, Murphy's pretty damn tired of being sorry. 

He's tired of caring. He tries to close himself off form these people because every interaction puts more cracks into his already fragile foundation.  He cares about all of them -Bellamy, Octavia, Clarke, Finn, Raven, Jasper- a lot more than he should, and it hurts.  IT hurts because they still look at him with hatred in his eyes despite everything he's done to try and make up for it.  He keeps hoping, keeps making more sacrifices and doing more favors, but no one seems to care.  They are stuck with the memory of crimes he's not even sure he's guilty of, that he was pretty sure he was just a scapegoat for, because no one can look at him and see someone worth saving.  It doesn't seem to matter to them that he's only killed two people, and they've killed hundreds. 

Nothing like that ever mattered.  They knew without being told that he was different than them.  He used to think that it was their problem, but it must be true if so many people see it.  A unanimous vote can't be wrong.  If he knew what was so wrong about him, so vile and ugly, he would change it in a heartbeat, no matter what he had to do.

He's sorry, even though he doesn't think he has a reason to be.  He knows that the list of scars given to him is ten times the size of his collection of sins, but still, he's _sorry._

But sorry never has been good enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this!  
> Super excited for season 3 to start so I had to write something, even if it doesn't have much of a point.  
> I take requests for stories as long as I'm in the fandom.
> 
> come find me on Instagram @alwaysscripturient


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